I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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