i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
