he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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