I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
