Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
