You just made me feel so damn special
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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