Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
