This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
