Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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