As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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