You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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