i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
