Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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