Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
