just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
