I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
