Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
