He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
