At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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