im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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