my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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