it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
