Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
