two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
