the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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