he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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