I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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