i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
