...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
