i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
