Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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