I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants