Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
