I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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