I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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