meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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