I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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