I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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