he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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