I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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