i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize