No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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