She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
