eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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