Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I fill condoms, not promises.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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