Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
