if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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