I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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