She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
