i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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