dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
