yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
