Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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