the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
NoShamevember. You game?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
