do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
