Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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