FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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